Nothing endures but change

So much self-reflection in the midst of my work and general busy-ness has brought me back to a key point from Buddhism that I had recently neglected to remember: all things in the universe are constantly changing; nothing stays the same.

In the past few weeks I have been suffering because of this fact; how things are so different from the way things were in the past. The youthful sense of hope about the future; the meaningful and productive friendships, the good old days of the past--were all things I felt I had lost through the passage of time. I felt because things had changed, I had lost something, that a part of my life was empty/missing, and I was focusing on trying to regain what I felt was no longer there.

But remembering this simple concept that change is eternal, I realized another aspect of Buddhist practice, that because change is constant, we have the opportunity to make things better; rather than simply trying to recreate elements of the past, we have the chance to make things even better than before, and work from this moment onward to creating a world, a community, a network of friendship that we want to have in our lives.

In many ways, rather than being unhealthily-attached to the past, yearning for what was--reminding myself of this idea that nothing endures but change has helped me cherish what I have gained in the past, and nurture in the present that which I value the most. Rather then dwelling on what may have changed in the past few years, the feeling of appreciation and hope for the future has reawakened. Instead of pining for what was, I'm hopeful about the present and the future that can be.

When burnout hits...

Burnout: an extreme emotional state characterized by emotional exhaustion, a diminished sense of personal accomplishment, and cynicism. Originally identified in social workers, the concept is now applied more generally. One problem with burnout research is establishing whether it is a cause or effect of other responses such as job satisfaction and work performance.

Since the beginning of the year, I've had this focus to accomplish my goals at work and in my volunteer activities, going from one thing to another virtually non-stop with work during the day and volunteer activities or meetings in the evenings. On average, I've been getting about 6 hours of sleep a day since the beginning of the year, thanks in part to the regular schedule a 9-5 job tends to create (although in my case work starts at 7am).

Up until a few weeks ago, I was doing pretty well; having a very strong sense of accomplishment, feeling hopeful and confident that everything I was doing was worthwhile and meaningful, and that I was making a difference and contributing to all the things I was doing.

But as the days get shorter and the end of summer approaches, that feeling seems to be waning; and with each passing day, it wanes even more. I thought if I just continued to pray that the inner strength would come that I could maintain the level of passion I had before, but as I've come to realize (yet again having been here before), there's little you can do when you push yourself to exhaustion, both mentally and physically.

I think the realization that focusing on "doing something" all the time without taking the time to reflect on its value, and not being able to share in that success with friends, hit me after reconnecting with some of my friends I had not seen, in some cases for a few years.

I have been so focused on activities and work that in many ways I was neglecting a very important part of my life, which are the people I consider to be close, trusted colleagues and friends. I think the realization that I was missing these connections plus the mental exhaustion accelerated this blaze feeling that I've had in the past couple weeks.

The question that comes to my mind so often now is, 'If you have no one besides your colleagues to share in your efforts and success, are you making a difference?' It's very similar to that Philosophy 100 question of 'If a tree falls and no one hears it, did it really fall?'

Two answers have come to mind with my question: yes and no; but it's the 'no' answer that perhaps has brought on my burnout, because it does beg the question if the efforts I've made do in fact make a difference if no one really cares about what you're doing.

I was talking with a trusted friend about something related to this, and he told me that part of the answer is getting the recognition from others that your work has value and that you are making a difference. Because, often times, you may not explicitly be asking for recognition (which is a good thing, because otherwise you're just being a bit egotistical and selfish); but every so often, or on some regular basis, at some level, you do need people you care about and respect recognize that your efforts are appreciated and important. Because, without that recognition, how else do you know you are making a difference?

I must admit that I am explicitly the last person to ask for that kind of recognition, because deep down, I'm not doing what I'm doing for recognition; I'm doing it because it's something I feel is important and valuable, and I enjoy doing it. But to have that consistent drive to keep doing it does require some external encouragement, some human-to-human effect that shows that the efforts I'm making are having an impact, and I'm not simply wasting my time.

I suppose what really got me thinking about this was reading a news story about the suicide on July 26 of this activist in India who was fighting for the rights of victims of the Union Carbine gas leak in Bhopal, India that occurred in 1984 that killed and injured so many people.

He had struggled since he was 13 to fight for the rights and compensation for the victims of the gas leak, but in the end hanged himself before any of the people responsible for the Union Carbide plant were brought to justice for the accident.

Reading his story, I could not help but feel the community of Bhopal's sense of loss of someone who had dedicated his life for the welfare of others. While he did suffer from mental illness related to the effects of the gas leak, which may have contributed to his suicide, it really got me thinking about the challenge that if someone who was so dedicated to such an important cause, face such a tragic end, are the efforts I'm making in my volunteer activities worth the same level of dedication? Why not just limit my activity and become a regular person and get a life?

That thought has crossed my mind countless times in recent weeks, especially after reconnecting with friends who have accomplished so much in their own lives focused on their own personal goals and dreams. In so many ways, I have sacrificed a lot for the social and environmental causes and activities I've been involved in, and as much as I am very happy about what I have accomplished, I can't help but think how my life would be different, perhaps even better, if I had just focused on less worldly issues and causes.

Although, as soon as these thoughts come to my head, my altruistic side comes out and tells me straight out that what I am doing IS valuable, IS meaningful and IS important, because if I was not involved, and the people I work with were not involved, then nothing would have been accomplished and our community would be worse off than it is right now. Ignorance would be even more prevalent than it is today; awareness would be far less than it is today; and we would not have been able to connect with all the people we have met without the efforts we've made to this point.

Perhaps all my doubts and negativity is the burnout talking, which it could very well be. And that's not entirely a bad thing, because while I feel less motivated in my volunteer life because of the burnout, it has given me time to reflect and reassess what is important in my life--something we all must do from time to time.

The good ol' days

The wedding of a friend of mine a week ago brought together a bunch of friends I had not seen or talked to in a very long time, and it made me realize just how much things had changed in the past few years. We had all gone to UBC together, were involved in our SGI Buddhist club on campus, and in the process became what I considered a close group of people. But as we graduated, we naturally went our separate ways, many of us leaving Vancouver to pursue our careers as far away as Ottawa, Toronto, New York and London, UK.

It wasn't until we got together before, during and after the wedding that I realized just how good things were back then for me. Perhaps to the chagrin of colleagues and friends I know now, I must admit that until getting together with the UBC SGI Club gane, I didn't realize just how comfortable we had become with each other. We shared in our struggles, in our successes, and laughed our heads off more times than I can remember. We prayed together, went camping together in the summer, skiing in the winter, and other SGI activities during the semester. The best way I can describe it is, it was perhaps the most wholesome group of friends I have ever had (which is saying a lot given my tendency to be the "quiet observer"). Perhaps our friendship benefited from the fact that we going to university together, as all our lives were in flux, and we shared in that confusing and worrisome time (some of us like me are still worried and confused about certain things, but that's another conversation). But as things became more certain and defined in my life, so too did my friendships and relationships with people.

UBC was a formidable period in my life that really did change my perception of other people, and in many ways made me feel more comfortable to trust others: something I must admit is very challenging for me to do.

I suppose with friendships like that, like a good wine, maturity and age only makes it better, or at least makes us realize its value after years of letting it simmer through time. In the past few days, I have come to realize even more strongly that friendships like those may be rare, but is always worth nurturing as we meet new people and reconnect with old ones. Rather than dwell on the good ol' times of the past, I feel it's important to continue those connections into the present and in to my future as I continue to connect with people from all walks of life through my SGI, community, and sustainability activities. Ultimately, while I may value and cherish all the work I enjoy doing, part of it is sharing in that joy with everyone I meet and care about.