57 hours until I leave this continent....

Never before have I ever felt SO eager to take a vacation and just get away from it all--and by all I mean all the various responsibilities, duties, projects, activities, assignments and stories that I'm responsible for.

The idea of spending two weeks doing nothing but traveling with a group of people on a 14-day European tour, doing some recreational reading, maybe doing some creative writing that I haven't done in a long while--just recharging my creativity and spirit--is hard to imagine for a "keener" (aka workaholic) like myself.

There is an interesting irony out of all of this, though. Last month, I felt burnout reach a point I haven't felt in quite a long time; that "blazee" feeling was truly drowning my sense of satisfaction about work, life, humanity--the works.

The problem was probably my tendency to look ahead, weeks and months in advance and noticing that there was no end in sight. It's kinda like looking at Tokyo from an observation deck at Tokyo City Hall, where, as far as the eye can see, is nothing BUT endless urban development--a sea of grey that never ends. You could see so little of nature that it was somewhat depressing to think that people have to travel great distances just to see a natural park...that same depressing feeling was what I felt with the endless list of things I needed to do tomorrow, next week, next month, two months from now, in the new year...

So, when a break opened up in my schedule--i.e. this vacation--the endlessness and the accompanying "burden" came to an end. There was light approaching (not a bright light, thankfully), a sapling was emerging from the urban landscape, a flower bud was forming from a thorny branch.

But at the same time, I quickly realized that in order for that two week break to genuinely be a two week break, I'd have to do the work within those two weeks BEFORE I left. So, on top of my usual busy schedule, I became even MORE busy at work, in my volunteer activities, in my other projects, just so that my world would not come crashing towards me like a tsunami the day after I came back.

All in all, I've had to roughly do two months worth of work in the past four weeks, which has been incredibly intense. But here is the irony: I haven't felt burned out in these past four weeks. And, I've actually accomplished 90% of everything I've needed to do before I leave, which, to me is an amazing accomplishment...four weeks ago, with the burden of that much work ahead of me, I definitely was stressing out about it, but slowly, as the burden was reduced through steady efforts, I've come to the point where I can really relax as soon as I set foot in the plane.

There is a Buddhist saying: "Suffer what there is to suffer; enjoy what there is to enjoy..." The phrase was said to a disciple of Buddhist sage Nichiren Daishonin in 13th century Japan; the disciple, known to have a quick temper and was facing serious struggles with his lord and colleagues. Nichiren had encouraged him to relax, pray, reflect, and not get carried away by all that was happening around him.

I have always liked this phrase because it tells us that life is filled with both suffering and joy; you can't have one without the other; they are two sides of the same coin. In fact, it is because we experience varying intensities of suffering that our joys can feel that much more powerful and positive. As they say, you can't truly enjoy life until you've experienced it being taken away from you.

I've come to a greater understanding about the phrase, realizing why Nichiren first said "suffer what there is to suffer" before saying "enjoy what there is to enjoy." If it was the other way around, you could never truly enjoy life, because it would be without the deep understanding about life you gain from experiencing various kinds of suffering--and in my case now, you can't enjoy a vacation until you go through the struggle of working your ass off. If life were all a vacation, you would never work as hard as you could, and never expand your capacity to grow and reach your true potential.

This whole experience has given me a different perspective on life, in the sense that I have a better understanding of what I think is important in my life, and also realize that when I put my mind to something, it can actually be possible to achieve it, as impossible as it may seem in the beginning.

When you feel helpless...

As someone who tends to show their emotions through some gestures of understanding, appreciation and compassion, when I'm not able to concretely do something in the midst of someone's suffering, I can't help but feel a sense of helplessness that only amplifies my feelings.

A case in point, the mother of a friend of mine I deeply respect passed away over the weekend, and because she is someone I'm not necessarily close with, I didn't know how to show my support for her in this undoubtedly difficult time in her life.

It's an experience, I'm sure many people have faced in their lives; going through the experience of a death of a loved one is never easy. But often, at least with the people I am very close with, you're able to support them throughout the process, standing by them as they prepare for the funeral, helping them with some of the preparations and special presentations celebrating the life of the person who has moved on to the next life.

With this most recent situation, it seems so hollow and empty to simply say you're sorry, and you offer your condolences. But then again, that could simply be me--someone who has grown to show rather than simply tell.

The one thing, for sure, that I can appreciate about my friend is that the sheer outpouring of support from so many people in the past few days is truly a reflection of how important her life is, and the life of her mother. Because of her mother, in good times and bad, everything has culminated into this moment where the importance, influence and heart of the daughter reflects on the importance of the mother.

Of course, there is always two sides to every coin, and because I am not close, close friends with my friend, I don't know everything, but for me, I find that's hardly the point. Life, no matter who it is, is valuable and precious, and 99.9% of the time, people do want and are able to create value in their lives and make some positive contribution to society. I see my friend as someone who has done great things with her life, as someone who continues to contribute to her community, and support others in many, many ways. That does not happen "by accident" and her warmth, compassion, wisdom and courage is a reflection of her mother's.

May she not only rest in peace, but her daughter continue to grow, expand her life, and continue to live the noble life she leads.